Last of Nothingness

I took a nap at about 1plus, after I have finished Total Eclipse online and read about Rambaud on Wiki. Then I lied down for a little read of Inferno before I fell into a slumber.

I have the tendencies to remember my dreams and I have an inclination to having gory, scary, dark dreams that can be really warped and weird. So I remember, in this dream, that there is a slight feeling of deja vu. It is as if I had this dream before, or I read about it.

Yes, this dream involved a book. I remembered the cover design, the illustrations and one of the author’s name. It was a book written by two authors who were gay couples (yes, influence from Total Eclipse), and it’s published in two versions, one according to each of the authors. The book cover was the same for both versions, regular shapes of white, light gray and tints of blue.

A young girl (is it me? I’m not sure) was holding one of the version, the so called “angle” version. The book was to be read from the back, like a manga. This version was by the author who died. The girl was holding it in such a way that I see an illustration, it is of an angel or something peaceful. She looked up and saw a man at the cashier buying the other version. He looked ugly with bushy beard, slightly bald and old. This is probably an influence from Total Eclipse again. The cashier was saying, “Yes, this is the version you wanted, sir.” He paid for the book. It was the “devil” version, to be read forward, the last page contains a hideous illustration, dark and angry.

He looked up and caught the girl smiling at him. He walked towards her and she said, “I know who you are. You are him.” She pointed to one of the names on the cover. The second name, printed in black. I remembered the initials. A.E.I. or A.I.E. I can’t really remember but I know it was very vivid, burning into my vision in my dream. He replied, “Yes.”

Somehow, the girl followed him, chatting happily. They left the shop and out into an almost Medieval town. It was gray. Yes, all I remembered of the town of a tone of gray – the people, the buldings, all gray and murky brown. Dull. Dirty. Old.

Then it was a warp in my memory, I could not grasp how the situation took a turn. Everything from this point onwards was very warped, I could not make out what happened first and what next. Time had no meaning here, sequences had no power. It was like a loop, yet each loop was slightly different from the previous. Like a curse that never ends.

It became gory. The man axed the girl in her head. There were two other choppers. She fell and then in a blink of an eye, she rose again. Pulling the axe from her head and took the other two choppers. She chased after the man with all three weapons in her hands, gleaming red. She pushed him into a dark dark well, or pool. The three bloody weapons dropped onto the floor. People were looking and staring. She was shouting, “Now I remember! Haha! He tried to cheat me even in my death. He made me believe that I killed myself.” At the moment, I had the strangest feeling that this girl was the other gay author who died.

A flash of image appeared. A man was twisted the legs of a body, twisting and pulling. The legs were fleshless, just bones with bits of left over flesh attached. Somehow, he made a triangle using the upper body and the two legs. I didn’t know how that was possible now that I was awake. But it happened in my dream. Then something popped out from the body, leaving a hollow in the stomach.

The girl continued to shout, “He made me believe that I kicked my own spleen out and I tore off the tendons from my heels. Ha, 脾和腱, 我才几岁，我怎么知道这些叫做脾，叫做腱，这就是破绽！这就是他的破绽！(Spleen and tendon, how old am I? How could I know such terms for body parts? That is the loophole, his loophole!)” Yes, it suddenly became Chinese. Don’t ask me why. Then she spit into the pool of dark dark water where the man had disappeared into. His body seemed to be dissolved in it. Then the girl disappeared into thin air. But a black swirl extended from the place where her spit was in the pool, swirling like black ink. Her spit, which contained some of her blood, had revived the man. He came out of the pool, and he had an army of hideous monsters with him. They stormed through the town, scaring people, tearing people up. Screams and blood. And there, a girl was walking in front, slowly, swaying. Like a demure Chinese lady. Her black hair was styled in such a way that there was a hair line showing her scalp. The whiteness of her scalp was blinding, as if it’s gleaming. It was the exact size, shape and location where the axe had chopped into the young girl previously. A song was playing, a Chinese song. Looping over and over. “小城故事多，充满喜和乐…小城故事多，充满喜和乐…(There’s many stories in the small town, full of happiness and joy)” sang the eerie high pitched, almost strangled voice of a female.

It just looped and looped, the blinding hair line was still there, the girl was still walking and I had to force myself to wake up. It was too eerie. And when I woke up, a name was etched into my mind, the name of the book by the two authors… a book by the name “Last of Nothingness”. “Last” as in end. Googling it will not generate any result because it only exists in my dream.

荒谬并且毫无意义

有冲动想写些东西，可是却想不出来要写什么。

最近，还是那个样子。或者，更加颓废了吧。想着有的没的，呵呵，只有我自己知道的一些想法。好笑的，荒谬的，毫无意义的。是啊，那些想法真的太愚蠢了，到底是被什么东西蒙住了眼睛才会有那种想法？好好的道路不走，为什么我偏偏幻想着走那种崎岖的歪路，而且还是一厢情愿，自作多情的走着，当然只在自己的脑海里走着。脑海里荡漾的镜头，幻想的瞬间，还有自导的话语，自演的表情。太好笑了。这完全不可能发生的事情我却在想着，干嘛呢。有时候真有冲动把自己的脑袋挖出来打几下。身体也被搞得很不好，一身的伤，外伤，内伤。荷尔蒙应该也失调了。有事没事就不吃饭。原因：懒。现在身子出状况开始担心却又能怪谁？

额，想撞墙。

腐，堕，沉

亲自手写的长长信件，朴实的箱子里，朴实的礼物。以往纯朴的幸福好像已经离我很遥远了。我知道，那是因为我变了，而你，是否一直怀念那曾经的美好？

要回到过去是不是一件很难的事情？有时候我会想，我没有变，回到过去的我又有什么难，只要看我想不想而已。可是，当我有这样的想法的时候，我就无药可救了吧。这样的想法赤裸裸地出卖了我，正是因为我变了才会有这种想法啊。

说什么只要我想，就可以办到，不可能了吧？有太多事情我放不下，我不愿放下，所以我做不到“回到过去那个我”这种事情。我每次都说“下一次我会怎样怎样，我会乖，我会用功，我会努力，我会坚持”这种话，只是说说的啦。怎么可能？我怎么能办到？简直可以当作笑话看待。

我怎么会堕落成这样？或许我可以说，“请救救我，拉我一把吧…” 但是有用吗？如果我说有，我就是说谎不眨眼的骗子，骗的是我自己。唯一能拯救我自己的，就只有我自己。我每次都说，在这世界上能依靠的，只有自己。可惜啊，我这个自己是个很没有用的自己，完全是一淌烂泥。能救我自己？拜托，笑话吧？我哪里还有那种精力和意志力？我已经被磨得不再是我了，那么哪来的自己来就我？

我很羡慕以前的自己，很好笑吧？可是，真的，以前的我到哪里去了？那个很强，读书用功，生活里除了课业也就只有故事书的我，那个比现在聪明，比现在有用的我，在哪里啊？也许死掉，不会再回来了吧。现在的我，只会说冠冕堂皇的话，只有这张嘴而已啦。心？理念？思想？那是什么东西？

我讨厌现在的自己吗？不知道，应该不讨厌吧。如果讨厌，我怎么还活得下去啊，怎么还是这样子继续呼吸着空气，心怎么还是这么腐败地跳动着。如果我讨厌我自己，那么我不会允许自己还活着吧？我应该是在逃避自己，我谁都不防，防着的只有自己。是呀，我筑了围墙，蒙了眼睛，为的就是把自己关在外面不看到自己。我已经无力往上游，那就只有往下沉了…一直沉到更深，更黑暗的地方。在那里，腐坏吧。

好好笑哦，为什么会这样？随便啦，心和思想都腐了，还装什么清高？很久没有写这种自省的篇章了。算是解剖自己吗？呵呵，写完了也没觉得自己有任何清醒的迹象。

腐吧，堕吧，沉吧…致死也不过是一条恶心的虫子。

People who Organize Group Orders

I have seen many group orders and I personally organize group orders before and I am still kind of doing it right now. And this is just my rant on people who organize group orders.

Responsibility & The Service Spirit

You are not just handling your own items and money, you are handling other people’s. That is a trust and responsibility placed on your shoulder, hence you should do your best to ensure that the trust is a well-placed faith. You have to ensure that you convey and give the correct orders and specifications to the sellers, no matter how tedious such a job would be. It is your responsibility to inform the people joining your group orders of any updates you receive from the suppliers or sellers. Be it shipment or out of stock items. It is important to inform the buyers as soon as you can get hold of the buyers.

Not only do you have to be responsible to the buyers, you have to be responsible to the seller. You are representing the seller in a way since you act as the communication link between the seller and the buyers. You must convey the seller’s message to the buyers correctly. If the seller has shipped out the items, for god’s sake tell your buyers. If the items will be shipped to another venue before shipping to you, jolly well tell the buyers as well. Don’t make people think that the things go directly to you because when there is a transit made, things can go wrong. If the items come, and there are wrong or missing items, you should always inform your buyers of such a problem and ensure them that you will contact the seller regarding this. And you jolly well do that. Missing items or wrong items, please tell the seller and something can be worked out. Either a refund or a replacement or other solutions, depending on whose fault it is for such problems. It could be you really missed out the orders when giving the sellers the list or it could be the seller who overlooked things. Either way, you have to ensure that you give the correct reason and the best solution for your buyer. You cannot just tell the buyers that the seller refuse to refund/replace/do anything regarding the problem and shove the mistake to the poor seller who is not given a chance to explain. In this way, you are not only lying to your costumers and playing with their trust, you are tarnishing the seller’s reputation and make others think that the seller is irresponsible (I have a friend who will NOT order from a seller even though I have personally assured her the responsibility of the seller who is also my friend. This is because she joined another group order conducted by the other person and she received wrong items and the other person claimed that the seller does not entertain refunds/replacements which is untrue).

Well, it is true that you are indeed doing people a favour for conducting the group order if you are not earning anything from it. However, it does not mean you can dictate and play with the buyers. You can be strict with your rules to make your job easier, but stop thinking everyone owes you something. If you can’t stand doing work without getting paid (well, who knows how much you are earning since you set the rules), place a service charge. If you don’t want to place a service charge (or you already placed and still feel imbalanced about this whole thing) and yet you keep complaining about all the work you have to do while conducting the group order, don’t conduct because you have no spirit of service. Group order is a service after all. If you can’t handle that, just don’t conduct for everyone’s sake.

Hana Matsuri Chapter 9

Hana Matsuri – Flower Festival (花祭)

By Hal

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Inoue Takehiko. I do not own them and I won’t dare to say the ideas for this novel are purely original. No literature work nowadays is purely original; we all get our inspirations from somewhere.

A/N: Review review! I hope people can still read this even though I changed the rating.

Chapter 9: Kill Me

“Hmmm…?” Hanamichi tried to ask but Rukawa’s tongue was now stroking his cheek. Realizing what was going on, Hanamichi’s eyes widened like a shocked deer and his quickly tried to push Rukawa away with his hands. But Rukawa, hormones raging, pulled those arms above the red head roughly with one big hand. He stared into the brown eyes as he used the thumb of the other hand to rub the moist and red lips hard.

“What are you doing, Kitsune?” Hanamichi turned his head to the side forcefully to escape the thumb and tried to kick Rukawa with his long legs. But Rukawa had already straddled his lower body with his own long legs.

“I like you.” A clean short reply.

“Wh…what?” Hanamichi bit his lips, confusion clearly shining in his clear honey pupils. He could not believe what he was hearing. Was he dreaming?

“I like you.”

Not knowing why, Sendoh’s voice appeared beside Hanamichi’s ears again. “Someone close by…”

“Liar. You are the killer after my life… right?” He turned the statement into a question at the last moment. In his heart, he was afraid to hear the confirmation.

“I like you.” Rukawa did not answer the question, instead he repeated his words.

“Answer me.” Hanamichi turned his eyes away from the wanton gaze of the dark hair boy.

“I like you.” He lowered his head and sucked on the skin just underneath the jawline. Hanamichi bit back a moan. He had never imagined himself wanting to moan like he wanted to now. It felt most embarrassing so he suppressed as much as he could. He did not want to make any shameful noise if not he knew he would die of embarrassment the next day he saw Rukawa.

“You like me.” It was a statement, not a question, from Rukawa.

“Who…who said…ah…so?” Hanamichi emitted a soft yup as he tried to question. His breathes a little quicker than usual.

“I can feel it,” Rukawa was rather full of himself most of the time, and this moment was one of such times. Hanamichi’s cheeks turned a shade redder, not sure if it was from the kisses or from the fact that Rukawa was right about him liking this cold guy.

Rukawa was addicted, addicted to this toxic called Hanamichi. As he plunged into another kiss with Hanamichi, his hands wondered all over Hanamichi’s body. Hanamichi wrapped his now freed arms around Rukawa’s neck with hesitation. Whatever he was doing now, he had never done before nor had he even thought of it at all. But whatever was happening, he could felt himself sinking deeper, and secretly liking it there. Yes, he liked this fox-eyed person and he could not help it. It must be the work of destiny.

The icy prince now had a flame burning ferociously in his body, as if trying to burn him down to ash. Rukawa cast a small spell and removed all of their clothes neatly. Hanamichi was too dazed to realize that his clothes had mysteriously flown off from his body on their own accord. Both boys sucked in a big mouth of cold air when their naked bodies touched. Rukawa was no longer an icy prince, he was now a fiery beast. He licked and bit, stroked and pinched, leaving marks on the tan body that had a sheen of sweat and pinkness now. As Rukawa’s hands left spots after spots of burning sensation, all logic had flew out of Hanamichi’s mind.

Rukawa buried his head on Hanamichi’s chest. The two perking pink dots were very seducing. He sucked on them, giving them a little nibble, not too hard but just enough to emanate a sharp pain before rubbed the tip of his tongue around the pink sweet candy, as if to apologise for the pain.

Hanamichi’s hot hard length was pressing against his inner thigh and that successfully made Rukawa’s brain turn into pulp. He knew the red head was way too innocent in this kind of bed stuff to even touch himself. Seeing Hanamichi bit his own lips to suppress his moans, Rukawa wanted to hear him more. He wrapped his hand around Hanamichi’s length as he continued to savour those pink candies on Hanamichi’s chest. Hanamichi’s eyes widened when he felt his manhood in other’s hands. As Rukawa’s hand started to stroke, Hanamichi felt a wave of pleasure swept through his entire body. He could not control his own voice but let out a noise that sounded almost like a cat’s meow. He could feel Rukawa’s lips curl into a smile against his nipple and Hanamichi almost died of shame.

“Don’t… hm… you laugh…ah…no…Um…!” Hanamichi scolded weakly and attempted to hit Rukawa with his hand. But he could no longer think of anything, Everything in Hanamichi’s nineteen years of living seemed to be turned upside down in someone’s hand. As Rukawa quickened his strokes, pleasure seeped to the tips of Hanamichi’s fingers, his body trembled uncontrollably. Following a burst of bright light in front of his eyes, Hanamichi came in Rukawa’s hand.

Panting slightly, Hanamichi did not dare to look at Rukawa’s face. But he did notice that there was a hint of smile in those blue eyes, and was stunned by how beautiful Rukawa looked with a smile like that. Pouting slightly, Hanamichi muttered an apology – it was indeed embarrassing to come within such a short period of time. He thought that Rukawa would stop here but reality told him he was wrong as he felt Rukawa’s fingers reaching for a place that made him want to bang against the wall and die.

“Wait, wait…” Hanamichi’s panting voice, was a little too soft. “Did you…hear me?”

But even if Rukawa did hear him, he could not stop. Using Hanamichi’s semen as lubricant, he inserted one finger into the attractive tight hole. Hanamichi’s whole body tensed up and his breathings quickened. The muscles clammed onto Rukawa’s finger tightly, as if wanting to suck that finger deeper. Rukawa felt the tightness and hotness of the hole and it was driving him crazy, his manhood swelled larger and harder.

“Relax, or…it will hurt,” Rukawa said in a sexy coarse voice. Hanamichi’s whole face was red now and he had his eyes closed. He was so embarrassed by what was going on. It was nothing as he had expected. He only wanted to kiss and hold hands with the one he liked, what was happening now was out of his expectation. Rukawa smiled at the slightly frowning face and kissed Hanamichi sweetly. Distracted from the finger in his hind side, Hanamichi relaxed his muscles. Rukawa took the chance to dive another finger into the hole and quickly but thoroughly stretched and lubricate it.

“Ah! Slower…” Hanamichi groaned into Rukawa’s mouth, but Rukawa’s head was already filled with lust, he could hear nothing.

“Wait for me,” Rukawa withdrew his fingers and Hanamichi let out a long breathe from the relief. The pale boy went into the bathroom for a while and he was soon back. Hanamichi thought it was over and hugged Rukawa out of silliness. But he quickly saw the suppressed lust in the other’s eyes and before he could say anything, his legs were opened and something entered his backside.

“Ahh!” A piercing pain shot through Hanamichi’s spine and up to his brain. He bit on Rukawa’s shoulder, afraid that he might scream out of pain. Sweat glistered on his whole body; his lower half of the body was as if not his. Hugging Hanamichi tight, Rukawa’s lips pressed against the pink earlobe, blowing hot and moist air at the ear. It was not his first time doing this, but he knew it was Hanamichi’s. The tensed muscle was hurting his length too, and even though he had thoroughly prepared Hanamichi, it was still too tight.

“Sorry… relax your muscles. Your hole’s biting me too hard,” he breathed out the word against Hanamichi’s ear. He had never bothered with his bed partners’ feelings before but Hanamichi was special. He liked him, he loved him. His father had personally sent the order to eliminate this red head and even sent him over to Japan, but Rukawa felt that if he killed Hanamichi, it was like killing himself. This feeling was so natural that he felt as if his connection with Hanamichi had stretched back to thousand years ago.

Hanamichi’s eyes were glazed with pain but it was almost moistened with a sexy look, sex had overtaken his rationality. He shook his head, brushing his red hair against Rukawa’s neck. Rukawa did not dare to move his body, he knew if he did that, he would not be able to stop and that would hurt the boy in his arms.

His body was screaming more for the warm moist tight pleasure but the body in his arms was trembling non-stop. He hugged Hanamichi tighter and kissed his neck, his hair, his eyes and his lips. The tip of his tongue slowly tickled the outline of Hanamichi’s ears. His hands gently massaged Hanamichi’s waist and butt, trying to make him relax.

“I… love you, Kitsune…” He squeezed out the words from between his teeth. He knew Rukawa was holding back as well, he could sense that from the sweat trickling down Rukawa’s chest. Having him in his body, he felt happy even if it would be painful. Taking a couple of deep breathes, he forced himself to relax.

“Mo…move…” Hanamichi’s voice was like god-sent in Rukawa’s ears. The red head had no more strength to think of anything and before he regretted his words, Rukawa’s movement was already sending him to heaven. Rukawa slowly moved his waist, sending his length deeper into Hanamichi. Both of them now were breathing hard, both not caring for anything but themselves.

“Ah…ah…ha…” Hanamichi panted and moaned as Rukawa moved in and out of him. The feeling was crazy, it felt like something was eating his heart out. Not only were their breathings losing rhythm, their heartbeats, their thoughts, their sight, their hearing were all losing their usual rhythms and abilities. The panting and moaning were amplified in their ears, their eyes only focused on the other’s face.

“Will…you…will you…ahhh… slow down… Wuu…” Hanamichi whimpered slightly as Rukawa picked up speed. Nothing was going to stop Rukawa now, the feeling was too good. As he changed his angle, he hit a spot that made Hanamichi thought that he was going to die in this pair of arms. If there was a time he was close to death, it would be this time. The waves of pleasure were shooting up to his brain and he could not stop himself from making those embarrassing noise.

“Slo…slower… ah… I can’t…hmm.. Ki…kitsune… slow…” the red head was not making much sense now. He did not know that he was only making Rukawa more excited and crazed. Hanamichi had already come once but now his manhood was hard again and was asking for relief. He wanted to touch himself but Rukawa brushed his hands away.

Rukawa placed one hand on the bed and stroked Hanamichi’s swollen length with the other while rocking against Hanamichi’s lower body faster and faster. The bed was creaking loudly in rhythm with his movements. In the split of moment of releasing all the overwhelming pleasure, Hanamichi hugged Rukawa and let out a loud shout. Rukawa came in Hanamichi as the boy came in his hand.

Breathing hard, they lied on the bed, Hanamichi’s head on Rukawa’s chest. Rukawa kissed the corner of Hanamichi’s eyes and realizing something, he touched the little daisy buried between the valley of Hanamichi’s firm butts. It was slimy and sticky with a thick liquid, but he could still differentiate blood from semen.

Anxious, he wanted to sit up and bring Hanamichi to the bathroom. But the other just lied on his chest and not moved.

“A’hou…get up…”

“…”

“Listen to me, get up.”

“…”

“I think you are bleeding… let me take a look.”

“…”

“Let me see, be good, get up.” A rare gentle voice from Rukawa.

“…”

“If you continue like this, I might want to go for a second round.”

“Hentai Kitsune!” Hanamichi finally spoke and moved. Looking at the blood red face of Hanamichi, Rukawa smiled gently. It was a smile that could kill. Hanamichi twisted his head away quickly and buried himself under a blanket while letting out a “hmph”. He might fall deeper in love with Rukawa if he looked any longer.

“Let’s go clean up,” Rukawa stood up and tried to pull away the blanket. Hanamichi grabbed the blanket tighter.

“Are you trying to suffocate yourself?”

“Urusai. When did you turn so talkative?” Hanamichi’s voice was muffled.

“When I make you mine,” Rukawa replied seriously.

“No shame!” Hanamichi buried himself deeper under the blanket and attempted to kick Rukawa. The kick was of no threat of course but it caused a sharp pain to explode in Hanamichi’s rather tortured hind side. Rukawa sighed and just carried the angry Hanamichi together with the blanket into the bathroom.

“I will clean myself,” Hanamichi said as he stood in the bathtub. As if not hearing anything, Rukawa made Hanamichi sit down and filled the bathtub with warm water before using his fingers to clear the semen and blood from Hanamichi’s little hole gently.

“Does it hurt?” Rukawa asked as he cleaned Hanamichi with full concentration.

“Hmph! It’s over already, what’s the use of caring now?” Hanamichi pouted.

“Sorry,” Rukawa apologized but his apology was not heard as Hanamichi fell into another deep slumber.

Drying Hanamichi, Rukawa carried Hanamichi back to his bed and dressed him up again before tucking him under a new blanket. Looking at the sleeping face, he leaned forward and planted a kiss on the forehead.

Kill you… Rukawa thought. Is killing me.

Sunlight leapt over the window, I am in the shadow
Only past 13:00 in the afternoon, it’s already pitch black
No one can see, the dark side in the depth of my heart
I can only gaze at the East, your world is too far away
Holding on to the limit of imagination, how sweet is happiness
The night has enveloped me, I can’t hold your hands
Because I live in the West, having only half a day
Once afternoon arrives, the darkness spreads
Though I’m standing in front of you, you can’t see my face
Feeling the lost look from you
On the West side of the world, there is only half a day
Secretly praying for God’s pity
To give me a trail of light at the edge of the night
So that you can take one more look at me (1)

(1) This is the translated lyrics for a Chinese song called Xi Jie (West Side) sang by JJ Lin.

A/N: Now I know the torture of writing bed scenes. I am wrong to request for bed scenes from the other writers! I understand your pain now!!!

T.B.C.

最近

最近发生了很多事情。

大学开课了，一半的课程听不懂，因为根本没用心。

TBS搞得我好累，很想放弃，我已经放弃了CCC了，TBS大概会再撑一阵子。

我家妖少来了，很可爱很别扭的孩子。

生日过了，21了。成人，感觉好恶。

一些开心的，不开心的，应该的，不应该的，罪恶的，背叛的，伤害的，自做虐的事情都发生了。电视情节的事情真的发生了。原来我也不过如此。

买新电话了。中秋要来了。中秋快乐。

~~小哈

你的回答，我不会忘记

“即使你舍得舍弃我们之间的羁绊，我也不会让你离开。”你说的，我就信。

你的回答，我不会忘记。

扼杀

我又一次扼杀了一段羁绊。

我以为这次，

我们可以是不错的伙伴，

我错了。

原来，这样的我

真的找不到永久的羁绊。

不可能。

我的极端，扭曲的关怀

逼着你一步步退开。

如果没有那条简讯，

或许一切都会保持一样。

可是时间不是沙漏，

不能倒过来重来。

所以，我只能看着你

像手中的沙一样

溜走。

我愈抓紧，

流失的沙愈快。

碰到你时的窃喜，

聊心事时的心疼，

不能挽回的懊悔，

短短的十天，

谢谢你，让我经历了

我不能忘记的

“羁绊”。

一次次上线的

讯息窗口弹出

让我心都漏跳一拍。

当我一再期待

上线的人是你，

我知道那已经

是不可能发生的事。

我握着我的期盼，

慢慢地看你走远。

期盼变成冷酷的事实，

我也会退离你的生活，

如果那能让你好过，

我会毫不犹豫，

带着一丝的不舍，

给你留下最美的祝福。

放心，我是重生于

灰烬的朱雀。

我会好起来，

让在远处的你，

不用担心我。

这是我能给你

唯一的，

也是最后的，

承诺。

给YD的信

哥，

可能是太阳太烈了，把我晒得有些晕眩。又或许是因为我的生意上出了些问题（卖家拿了钱跑掉了），弄得我一直皱着眉头，皱到我神经错乱了。突然，我想写信。我曾说过你的出现让我有了一些创作的灵感，那么你可以不必把以下的话当真，就看作是我的创作吧。看看就忘，不要挂心或觉得冒犯了哦。

你说不想谈你和她的事。的确啊，我没资格说什么，毕竟我只是你生命里出现才几天的人。可能我这个人比较爱胡思乱想吧，也可能是这种事情我听了很多。而往往在朋友身上看到的都是悲剧。我讨厌悲剧，所以不希望我的朋友身上再发生悲剧，因此我变得多管闲事。即使我被你讨厌，我还是按捺不住想要劝你寻找更好的幸福的冲动。昨天晚上我说的故事里的女生或许在你眼里就是你的公主的化身，而你自己则是永远敌不过猎人的那个书生。可是当你是为了那女孩牺牲的时候，可否感觉到也许也有人在做你的“书生”呢？

哥哥你是个浪漫的诗人吧，我觉得是这样的。诗人对感情都比较敏感，所以你做事情都是照着感觉走。所以即使你和她分手了，你还想保护她，因为你的直觉告诉你This isn’t goodbye, even as you watch her leave。的确啊，那时候的分手isn’t goodbye。因为你还在她身边守护着。You swear you won’t cry, even as tears fill your eyes, you swear you won’t cry. 因为你是坚强的青龙神兽的化身呀。

或许跟着感觉走是没有错的。Any other girl, you’d let her walk away. Any other girl, I’m sure you’d be ok. 那么请告诉我吧。Tell me what makes a man wanna give her all his heart, smile when she’s around, and cry when you’re apart. 你知道的吧？If you know what makes a man wanna love her the way you do, you gotta let me know. So I can get over you, 这样也许我可以放心让你这样追求下去。

告诉我，what makes her so right? Is it the sound of her laugh? That look in her eyes? 她的眼神让你陶醉了，她的温柔让你迷陷其中，她在你的心中是你所要一辈子保护的公主。When do you decide? She is the dream that you seek, that force in your life? 我想你会回答说：“我不知道什么时候，这种感觉在碰到她的时候就有了，应该可以说是直觉。”我想可能是前身的注定造成的，那是一种本能的觉醒，一种与生俱来的使命吧。

记得你说，也许你不值得她爱。所以即使你没有错，你也会低下头说对不起。 When you apologize, no matter who was wrong, when you get on your knees if that would bring her home.是吗？只要她呆到你身边，不管什么代价你都能付出，无论多么痛苦你都能忍受下来。是这样吗？

Tell me what makes a man, wanna give her all your heart. Smile when she’s around, and cry when you’re apart. If you know what makes a man wanna love you the way I do, you gotta let me know, so that I can get over you.

呵呵，我是不是很多管闲事呢？抱歉咯，请继续往下看吧。当我说废话也好，请继续看看我要说的话吧。如果我叫你放弃这个女生，应该是不可能的吧。虽然other girls will come along, they always do (因为你的气质不错，也很帅气),可是你一定会说，but what’s the point when all you ever want is her。是啊，你会像故事里的女生那样对佛说，因为相爱。可是我很怀疑“相爱”里的“相”字的存在意义啊。相爱，就是两人互相爱着对方。那女孩爱着那猎人，猎人也爱她么？爱么？如果不爱，那么应该叫做“单恋”吧。单恋啊，多么苦涩的一个词。你的生活是否能少一点疲惫，少一点辛劳，少一点苦涩呢？突然，我觉得我是成长在多么轻松的环境下啊。

那个女孩子也许真得很棒吧，但我先认识你呀，所以我带着有色的眼光看他。不过，这样的话，你会伤心的对吗？你希望在别人眼里，她也是跟在你眼里一样那么美丽的，对吧。所以呢，你化身为保护她的青龙，挡掉所有丑陋的东西，让她永远是个美丽的公主。既然她对你来说是重要的，是美好的，那么对我来说，她就是完美的公主殿下。我呢，不是当公主的料，比起公主，我更希望是战士。在青龙的左右站的是朱雀，白虎和玄武。那么请让我成为朱雀（我是热情的火焰，哦耶~）吧，在你的周围和你一起战斗。你很强，一个人就能保护公主，不需要我来保护她，我呆在你身边只是因为你是你，而我只是，一个希望捍卫知己的幸福的我。所以在你保护公主的时候，遇到不愉快的可以来找我；当你一个人觉得太多事情压着你，让你很疲累的时候，可以靠着我；没什么事的时候只想找人聊天的，我也会随时在场；而当你快乐的时候，我想我会感觉得到（我自觉得自己的直觉很准的哦），所以不用来找我，去享受你的快乐吧。

最后，我想说一句：“你的后背有我看着，放心往前奔驰吧。”说这句话的时候，我一定是满脸笑容的对着你竖起大拇指的。你曾经说你是个不怎么信任别人的人，我想知道如果我说这句话，你会信么？你对我的信任，是一开始就觉得我可以信任还是渐渐觉得我可信任呢？请讲实话哦，我相信你不会骗我的，所以呢即使是完全不信任我，也请说吧。妹妹我可是粗神经的，所以不会感到伤心的。

最后的最后，你可以把这篇文当真，也可以把它当作我的一种文学创作而已，全凭你对我的信任。对了，英文部分是一首歌词哦，我只是改了一点you,I,she,her的，来配合一下我的文章。

最后的最后的最后…其实没有了。

就这样。

小哈 于2008年6月21日星期六书

我不知道的感觉

我在想，是什么，到底是什么东西让一个人即使生病了还会为另外一个人做饭，照顾那个人。不，他们不是情侣，也不是夫妻，只是…要好的朋友。他是这么说的。又是什么东西让他们天天见面，在彼此的家里度过一天，第二天同样的一群人又到他们当中的另外一个人家里度过另外一天。

那种东西，我没有过，也不会拥有。我说，我有很多朋友，但这样的朋友我又有多少？是谁？是谁扼杀了我拥有如此知己的时光？我自己么？

遇到了这么一个人，他有这么一群朋友，我在他们身上看到了那样的羁绊。我永远不会懂的羁绊。如果，只是如果，我早些认识他，或许我会知道。但现在的我认识了如今的他，所以我不懂他。他说，他可能是在追她吧。追着好朋友的心情，我不懂。被好朋友追的感觉，我不会知道。但我认识的只有他，所以她对我来说，只是聊天时谈起的一个路人。可是对他来说，当他说到她时，他的心里是不是酸酸的又有点甜甜的？我仿佛看到他在说她的时候，嘴角微微上扬的样子。当他吃着她煮的东西时，他心里是不是绽放着光芒，因为她为他煮饭了。还是心里头痛苦地下着雨呢？因为她不懂他的心。或许她是懂的，只是在等他开口。

我想笑，想笑自己的傻，自己的胡思乱想。他，不过是认识第7天的人。我这么多的猜测，凭什么？我这么多的顾忌，又是什么？难道我又要回去拥有黑暗心灵的旧我？我不过是想要知道我所不知道的感觉是怎样的。可是知道了之后，又能怎样呢？

不要，不要吞噬我阳光的外表。请黑暗的内心就一直呆在内心里就好，不要表现出来，不要。没有人需要知道我内心的黑暗的。

现在的我，想要被人拥抱。不是恋人的拥抱，是友情的拥抱，是兄妹的拥抱。耗子哥，我想你了。很想。如果你在新加坡，我会毫不顾及地冲过去抱住你，希望你也能回抱我。可是你在的地方，离我好远好远…